Last night I was up way too late filling out a "Special Needs Adoption Assessment" required by the adoption agency. They are wise to make us think of the difficult things that are to come so we can be prepared for the unexpected and trying times ahead. Not that I haven't already been thinking about them! When you are adopting not only one, but two special needs children after spending 15 years with one perfect child who has not even so much as scraped her knee, the task ahead seems daunting if not impossible. What does it mean when they say Charity has a "mental delay"? Will JB's cleft palate being repaired so late in his life keep him from being able to communicate clearly? Will there be undiagnosed conditions that we discover along the way: wheat/milk/peanut allergies, asthma, parasites...? And, more importantly, how can a mom who took 9 years to finally start enjoying her one amazing daughter learn to lovingly care for 2 special needs kids who won't even speak English when they arrive?!
I've spent my parenting years thinking that soon this job would be done and I would move on to my "real" life. The life where I work as a teacher, missionary...anything that would show the world what I'm capable of...like somehow I'm not worth anything unless it comes with a paycheck and recognition. Oh, how this world twists things to the point of convincing us that we are nothing without a paying job!
When this adoption thing first started happening I found myself going through a grieving process. I was grieving the loss of everything I thought I would ever be...giving it all up to do something I never thought I was good at. And then I look at this beautiful daughter I have...Bethany. I think back to when she was a preschooler and how much fun we had singing together in the car...we still do that, only now the music is way cooler! As a kid, she was never afraid to tell the girl she just met in the park about Jesus. She was always about having fun no matter where she was or who she was with.
Now Bethany is 15 and has a heart for the Lord and the fatherless. She has a black belt in karate and writes beautiful poetry. She would give her life savings to the homeless guy on the corner if I would let her. It was Bethany that said, "Mom, I want a Rainbow Family...lets adopt from Haiti next!" I had to stop and think about that, but my sweet daughter is color blind when it comes to family. Did I do something to make her that way? How did this girl grow up to be so phenomenal while I spent half of her childhood feeling sorry for myself?!
Which brings me back to today...sitting at the table eating lunch with my sweet girl and confessing my fears to her...and being reminded by my own daughter that God will never give us more than we can bear.
So, here I am getting ready to do it all over again...and I realize I can't wait! THIS is what I am here for, it's what I do! To raise up children to know the Lord and to be the best they can be...what greater thing is there in life? No paying job could ever come close to this amazing privilege God has given me. These children in China that I have never met are already connected to my heart. Any paying job I could ever have will never matter to them...they will only care that I am their mom. The one who loves them and cares for them and sings in the car with them.
Yes, I am afraid, but I also know that it will all be worth it!!! God will finish what He has started and He will not give us more than we can bear. He will walk with us through the hard times and He will celebrate the victories with us as well. And I have Bethany to thank for the reminder. That's MY girl!
1 comment:
Wow. I love your writing. This was deep and hit home in so many ways. Thanks for sharing.
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